It’s not every day one ponders what it would be like if their country underwent a name change. However, a curious online forum user posed a hypothetical situation: People are renaming the United States of America. What’s your suggestion? American or not, many people shared their two cents.
Note: Some quotes in this piece have been lightly edited for grammar.
1: All About Corporations
United, we stand with our most prominent corporations. One person joked that if they could, the US would monetize their name change. “Amazon presents Google’s The United States of America brought to you by Starbucks,” they guessed.
2: A Country Is Born
Tesla CEO Elon Musk and electronic artist Grimes are no strangers to unique baby names. One person joked that “Techno Mechanicus” (the pair’s most recent child) would double as an excellent name for the US.
3: After You
Since Amerigo Vespucci is the original namesake of America, one person thinks “Vespuccia” would be a perfectly acceptable rename for the US. “I think this is the best one here,” someone responded. “It just feels a bit weird to call someone a ‘Vespuccian’ though.”
4: Technical Difficulties
“Don’t care [about the new name of the US] as long as the first word starts with an A,” one American said. “Scrolling to the U section of drop-down lists is annoying.” This is a relatable problem for any US resident filling out an online form.
5: Laying Down the Law
One person keeps it short and straightforward with their suggestion. “Americania. Citizens are now Americanians. No further questions.”
6: Canada Jr
“Baja Canada,” one person jokes. “I vote for this solely because it will piss off the East Coast,” another American says.
7: Working 9-5
According to one commenter, country icon Dolly Parton deserves to be the namesake of America. “Dolly World,” they said. “She is the only true goddess. Praise the Appalachian Queen. Long live Dolly.”
8: Collect ‘Em All
Rather than pin a short and sweet name on America, one person says it should be called “The Loose Collection of 50 Separate Countries.”
9: Money Talks
Given America’s greedy reputation, one person says the country’s new name will become “Whatever name the highest bidder wants to call it.”
10: Keeping Company
Backing up the folks that believe America’s new name would be all about corporations, one person joked its new name would be America Inc. Another person suggested Americorp as a new moniker.
11: All Aboard
Remember the 2016-era public vote that resulted in a British vessel named Boaty McBoatface? Someone thinks we should follow suit and call the country “Statie McState Face.”
12: On Fire
One person just wants to live where food and fun meet in perfect harmony, AKA “Flavortown.” Another Food Network fan says, “Guy Fieri is our permanent mayor.”
13: Far Apart
Instead of bringing us closer together, one person thinks the country’s new name should reflect how things really feel: “Divided States of America.”
14: Sweet Truth
People constantly harp on American food for its ultra-sugary contents. As such, one person thinks it should be renamed “The United States of High Fructose Corn Syrup.”
15: Above or Below
One person thinks it should be all about the country’s relative location. “Northern Mexico or Southern Canada,” they suggest.
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